Said I wasn't going to really drink last night, but I ended up getting pretty wrecked. While of course it's my own fault, I also want to say it wasn't totally my fault. People just kept handing me shots. I was planning on waking up and doing some work, but I was too hungover to do anything productive. I still went pants shopping with a couple friends and bought some clearance rack sweaters from Banana Republic. First time I've ever bought anything in there. And I only went inside because my friend was returning pants. Two sweaters for under $25. Can't beat that.

Now let's talk about the pants. I went to the Levi's store, and was really pissed off that every single pair of jeans has those "faded" slashes up on the thighs. You know, those "lines" that go across the front? It's one thing to make pants look a little faded, but those lines just look fucking ridiculous. It's obvious somebody did that on purpose, so it kind of defeats the purpose of the whole "worn out" look they're going for. I asked the guy in the store if they had any jeans that didn't have them, and the guy told me my only option was "grandpa jeans." His words, not mine. Whatever. So I found a pair that had the least visible lines on the thighs, but I'm still not totally happy about it. They'll do. I needed jeans. Thirty-five bucks for bullshit jeans.

The only good buys you can't find on a clearance rack are jeans. Clearance jeans are always weird sizes and stupid looking. But I saved a shitload on those sweaters and I will wear them proudly. Even if they're from Banana Republic. What a ridiculous brand name. It should just be clothes for girls because it's very emasculating to say, "I bought them at Banana." I bought them, so it's not like it actually bothers me. I'm not a fucking pussy. I'm a man. It's cool. But it's still a stupid name for a store. Like when "Structure" became "Express for Men." Actually, that's even worse because it was a store just for girls that bought into a male clothing line and threw their labels on all the shit. I'll never buy anything at Express. Ever. Even if they paid me to wear it.

OK, time to change my tampon.
Add Comment
 
 
I drastically scaled back my coffee intake and now I'm exhausted all the time. I was drinking coffee all day, everyday, for a few months and the last two days I've limited myself to only two cups first thing in the morning. It sucks, but eventually I'll feel better. Eventually I'll make the switch to green tea, because it has an alkalizing effect on the body - unlike coffee, which is very acidic. I don't know if you know anything about pH, but just like your swimming pool, your body also has one. Apparently, according to my doctor, people with balanced a balanced pH don't get sick nearly as much as regular, acid-consuming people. And not just colds and the flu, I'm talking stuff like cancer and shit. 

What is acidic? Almost everything. Coffee, beef, bread, beans, drugs and alcohol. I've even heard fish is acidic, but I don't believe that. Alkaline foods are basically fruits and vegetables, and perhaps chicken... and fish. But I'm not really sure about any meat. What I do know, is that chicken and fish are better than red meat. I don't know about pork or turkey. Every chart online is different. Interestingly enough, lemons, which are acidic in real life, have an alkalizing effect on the body. So always get some lemon in your water. It tastes good, and is good for you!

A couple years ago, when I was really into this shit, I would even pee on pH strips to make sure I was balanced. Maybe it's a placebo, or maybe it's science, but I swear to Christ I felt best when the strips came out green. Yellow was acidic and blue was alkaline. My doctor at the time also recommended downing a teaspoon of baking soda in a glass of water to level it out if I was too acidic on a given day - like after a night of heavy drinking.

I think I still have some pH strips. I'm going to go try it out and tell you what happens...


Add Comment
 
"Next." 01/24/2011
 
I went on a date Saturday night. She wanted to go somewhere "low-key," so I had her meet me at a local dive bar. We met up at around 10:30 and began the get-to-know-each-other conversation. It was alright until I made a Dana Scully reference and she had no idea who I was talking about. "How cool is that?"

Then, during a conversation about our relationships with our parents, I said something to which she sarcastically replied, "Oh, that's deep." Not sure if she was accusing me of trying to put on an act or if she just didn't want to scratch the surface of anything. A few minutes later she said it again, and I realized she didn't want to scratch the surface of anything. I wasn't being all "heady," I promise you, I was simply saying what came to my mind. It seemed like a natural progression of thoughts, but I guess she wanted to keep things light.

Anyway, one of my biggest turn offs is when someone - friend, girlfriend or date - plays the "too deep" card. So I said to her, "Oh, OK. What's your favorite pizza topping?" She didn't realize that I was joking because she told me it was pepperoni. Awesome. Have a nice life. My friend told me that after the Dana Scully thing I should have excused myself to the bathroom and climbed out the window. After the pepperoni thing I had thought about it. But there's no windows in that bathroom.

2 Comments
 
 
I've been pretty out of control lately. I think I was riding a big-time high from getting actual work in the field that I desire. Which is writing. Plus, I'm lonely and when I get lonely I become my own best friend. And by that I mean that I just act like a maniac in order to entertain myself. But as I was doing it over the last few weeks, I realized I was getting crazier and crazier. Like completely obnoxious. The other night I told my one friend I was doing it partly to make myself completely unattractive to the opposite sex. Nobody likes a mental patient. Well, some chicks do, but they're fucking nutcases.

Sometimes I go through these phases where I can't be bothered with trying to meet girls. It's not even like I like being alone, but sometimes the idea of complete solitude is way more attractive than talking on the phone for 45 minutes a day - sometimes more than once a day - or else the girl thinks I'm cheating on her. "You didn't text me back for two hours." Yeah, so? I left my phone upstairs and I was downstairs watching Two and a Half Men and the O'Reilly Factor with my parents. Yeah, I'm a real wild boy. I must've been getting drunk and hooking up with my ex-girlfriend. I texted you after she left. I think I'm just attracted to the wrong girls. The mental ones. Maybe it's because I'm mental. But I'm not that mental. At least I don't think so.

That's part of the reason why I was trying to not try at all with girls. I needed to reassess my entire situation. I needed to recharge. I wanted to find a job, too. It's kind of hard to feel "sexy" when you're unemployed and living at home. And while I still live at home, I have actually found some work, which makes me feel much more desirable. I'm doing something. And it's not working at Chipotle.

About a month ago, when I was really stressing over finding a writing job, my dad suggested that maybe I try the corporate world. You know, like work for an HR or PR department. Fuck that. I wasn't going to give up. Thank God (capital G) that I didn't cave in like he had recommended. Within days I found something I actually wanted. I'm not sure he was trying to crush my dreams as much as he was just concerned with my well-being. But perhaps hearing the words, "don't give up, you can do it" from my father would've been something nice to hear. At least my mom kept telling me that I'd find something. "I just know you will. You're a good writer." It's weird, but for some reason I didn't believe her. It would've meant more coming from my dad. Maybe it's because my dad never really emphasized the positives about me when I was growing up.

I quit playing hockey when I was 12 because I was sick of him yelling at me. I was actually really good at hockey, but I found myself playing afraid of the car rides home. I'd keep looking into the stands to see if he seemed pleased or not. It didn't help that during the last year I played, he made me play with the age group above me. I played against 16 year old kids in a checking league - which is when they can body-check you and do all that other rough-housing bullshit. He thought it would be good experience for me. I still played on the first line, but I was pretty intimidated by kids who were, seemingly, twice my size. If I had a good game, he wouldn't say anything. I remember always trying to coax him into complimenting me. "I played good right?" And he'd just kind of say, "yeah." But, christ, when I had a bad game he wouldn't let me hear the end of it. Now that I'm an adult, I wish I had the confidence I have now. I wish I knew then that I was too young to play in that league and, more importantly, to not give a shit what my dad thinks. I could've played in high school and college. But I'm not even sure if I would've wanted to. I'll never know.

It's a funny thing when you transition from doing things to please your parents to doing things to please yourself. It's an even funnier thing when the things that please yourself actually turn into things that will please your parents, too.
2 Comments
 
 
My mom has been refrigerating red wine for months now. The other day I finally snapped and asked her why in the hell she was doing that; as any wine connoisseur would know, red wine is to be kept at room temperature.

"I don't want it to go bad," she said.

I said, mom, it's red wine, it's already gone bad. And she laughed like I was joking. Are you fucking serious? Alcohol can't go bad from being left out. I explained that to her and added, "Plus it just tastes better that way."

Now I don't know if she's losing it or what, because a few years ago we had a very similar conversation. Only then, she claimed that she liked the way it tasted cold. And I was very adamant about her leaving it in the liquor cabinet to stay room temp., to which she obliged.

"I've got a million things on my mind," she often says when she doesn't remember things or makes a mistake - like the other day when she forgot to put tomato paste in the meatloaf, relegating it to just a wad of meat with breadcrumbs. Meatloaf is disgusting even with all its ingredients, but it was even worse that time.

There's a good transition. Meatloaf. It's so terrible, how does anyone like it? My father requests it on a bi-weekly basis. What the fuck? I mean, I like beef. I like it a lot. But there's few home-cooked meals that are worse than meatloaf. Even the name of it is disgusting. A goddamn loaf of meat.

Christ, I'm tired.
Add Comment
 
 
It's been a very busy week for me. Finally. I landed a freelance reporting gig as well as another possible project that I won't speak of until I know whether or not it's going to work out. In any case, I've been "working" a lot these last seven days.

It's weird because within 24 hours of my recent post, which called for the world to give me a chance, a couple opportunities presented themselves. For the first time in a long time, I feel some wind in my sails. "Just in time for Christmas."

Speaking of Christmas, a debate opened up between some friends and me today regarding what constitutes a "Christmas Movie." One camp feels that any movie taking place during the Christmas season makes it a Christmas movie. Another camp, which is comprised mainly of myself, believes that a Christmas movie must be about Christmas.

The other camp says that movies like "Die Hard" and "Just Friends" are the same as "Christmas Vacation" and "It's a Wonderful Life." I only consider the latter two films as Christmas films.

Many movies take place during Christmas, like "Beauitful Girls" starring Timothy Hutton and Uma Thurman, but they are about other things entirely. In the case of the Hutton film, Christmas was simply a reason to bring its main character back to his hometown, telling a "homecoming" type story.

After a lengthy debate, I came up with my final statement on what makes (or doesn't make) a movie a Christmas movie. If the story needs Christmas to exist, then it is a Christmas movie. "Christmas Vacation" is about a father's attempt to create the greatest family Christmas of all time. If one substituted Thanksgiving, Easter or Halloween, the movie would not be what it is.

Why? Because Christmas is the American holiday. Sure, some people go "all out" for Halloween, but there's really no such thing as a Halloween movie because Halloween movies are scary movies.

Now let's go with "Gremlins," which takes place during Christmas, but is not, in my opinion, a Christmas movie. My opponents used my rubric to point out that Gizmo was given as a Christmas gift to the main character's father, therefore, according to them, the movie never would have existed. But I would retort that a son can give his father a gift on several other occasions, like a birthday or Father's day or simply out of the goodness of his heart.

And while Christmas, in the case of "Gremlins," is used to create a dichotomy between a traditionally happy, loving time of the year and the terror and violence caused by the gremlins, the setting of the film could have just as easily been a tropical vacation, Valentine's day, the 4th of July, Thanksgiving, a wedding, a honeymoon, or any other traditionally "happy" time.

In conclusion, a Christmas movie must be about Christmas. The main character must learn the meaning of Christmas by the end of the story. And Christmas must be required to make the story work.

What say you? Feel free to comment.
2 Comments
 
 
A Gchat conversation I had with my friend Dana Presto turned out to be good blog topic material, but I thought it would be partly stealing from her if I took complete ownership, so I decided to just copy and paste the conversation. It will require some patience on your part, because there's some complete bullshit intermingled, but in order to understand "the process" I am leaving it completely unedited. I hope this is acceptable...

me:  e-CLIPSE tonighte-CLIPSE to-NIGHT
Dana:  are you singing? 
me:  yes. all night 
Dana:  cause THATS what it SOUNDS liiiiiiiiike 
me:  u just helped me think of one. "ill be here all week." i hate that 
Dana:  IN my heaaaaaad. thats the one?? 
me:  no but it's one 
Dana:  THE one. oh man 
me:  the one is probably lost forever. it was probably the greatest one ever too 
Dana:  you say that about them all. they're all the one 
me:  no i dont. quit naggin me. "shut up, laurie." my grandfather to my grandmother 
Dana:  lol 
me:  grandpas. you gonna stay up for the eclipse?
Dana:  is it after 10? does it involve getting up to open the windows and possibly having to go outside? 
me:  yeah you wont hear it unless u open your windows 
Dana:  too much hard labor for the day 
me:  you can't hear an eclipse, dana.
Dana:  i know that asshole YOU said you can hear it
me:  i was making a joke cause u asked about opening your windows 
Dana:  take video 
me:  thats a good point. maybe ill just stand outside ur apartment at 130 am yelling "ECLIPSE" 
Dana:  oh i actually meant opening curtains 
me:  as loud as i can. as if thats what an eclipse sounds like. "did u guys hear that eclipse last night? woke me up in the middle of the night!"
Dana:  i bet it sounds like the whistle from djais 
me:  there's a djais whistle? 
Dana:  yea remember aj brought it over friday actually and we bloweded in it 
me:  that was a "djais whistle"? i didnt know 
Dana:  not the megaphone
me:  i just thought it was some stupid party favor. i didnt realize it was important 
Dana:  the little hot orange or pink cylinder. oh it's important 
me:  culturally significant. someone made a funny joke one time about a grapefruit spoon. u know what they are? 
Dana:  i think so. a little one 
me:  the joke isnt that funny actually nevermind but it's in the same tradition as the djais whistle 
Dana:  now you have to tel it wtf 
me:  that if in 500 years anthropologists discovered those spoons theyd think grapefruits were a big deal to us
Dana:  haha 
me:  uncovered, discovered, whatever 
Dana:  because it's so specific? 
me:  yeah cause it had it's own special spoon so we mustve taken them super seriously 
Dana:  of course 
me:  that reminds me... why do people call it being the little spoon? when theyre inside during "spooning"? same-sized spoons are what u stack thats why they fit so perfectly. who stacks big and little spoons on top of each other? that would just make a mess. im going to write my congressman. i think that is a candidate for lame joke of the week. but seriously. im serious
Dana:  it would make a mess. although i have half little spoons and half big
me:  "can i be the little spoon?" is a nother one 
Dana:  and they're just all in the tray together all messy. omg you just reminded me"a whole nother"i HATE that 
me:  "a nother" was a typo by the way 
Dana:  i know 
me:  ha! 
Dana:  but it still reminded me 
me:  why do u hate that? 
Dana:  because it's one word 
me:  yeah 
Dana:  "a whole lot" is ok. it's two words"a whole new" "a whole extra""another entire" 
me:  "a whole nother entire" 
Dana:  ew 
me:  HAHAHA 
Dana:  the only word that is allowed to separate other words is "fuckin""un fuckin believable" 
me:  "un fucking real" 
Dana:  "ri fuckin diculous" "fan fuckin tastic" 
me:  thats a great one 
Dana:  omg write an artocle on thisBLOG BLOI|G BLOG BLOGBLOGBLOIG
Add Comment
 
 
Today I called my dad at work. He sounded happy to hear from me, since we never talk on the phone. Actually, we never really talk at all, except about shallow things like sports, movies and TV shows. Anyway, I only called to find out the email and password for the Blockbuster "queue" - which is exactly like Netflix. After he told me, there was an awkward pause and I felt like he wanted to have a conversation, so I asked him what he thought of the "Lombardi" HBO documentary. See?

He always sounds so awkward on the phone. I don't know if that's how he is with everyone or just with me. It's like he's trying hard to talk but doesn't really know what to say. I guess I don't really know what to say to him either. There's always awkward pauses. It's kind of like talking to a girl you don't have anything in common with. The only difference is that we have things in common, but never developed the corresponding rapport. Much like me, but even more so, he always seems like his mind is elsewhere. He works ridiculous hours and is taking online courses on top of that, so it's understandable, but he's always been like that.

I think most father/son relationships these days - and perhaps always - are strange. On one hand, I wish we had a better relationship. The same goes for my mom and me. But on the other hand, that's just how it is and I'm comfortable with it. Actually, the idea of being "friends" with my dad seems so foreign to me that I wouldn't even know how to approach it. Obviously, I could just take the initiative, but I'm not sure I even want to. In some ways we're a lot alike; we both love sports and making jokes. But in other ways - many more ways - we're completely different; he doesn't drink, is probably a workaholic, has terrible eating habits, can be pretty closed-minded, and the only band he likes is Cheap Trick. Well, that last one isn't entirely true - he also likes The Raspberries and Nils Lofgren. But that's it. Like I said, he can be pretty closed-minded.

Don't think I hate my dad or anything. He's pretty awesome in and of himself. My friends all love him - as do I, of course. He can still throw one hell of a football pass, and I've never seen anyone hit a softball farther than him in all my life. Seriously. He hits bombs. "Big Sep," we call him. He's a great cook, too. Both of my parents are. My only critique of their cooking is the way they perennially overcook the turkey on Thanksgiving. "We cooked it for as long as it said," is the usual refrain during the carving. Hey, nobody's perfect. In fact, my dad is probably a much better person than I am in many ways.

My only regret is that I wish my parents had taught me more about life. We never had any real heart-to-hearts while I was growing up. Sure, my mom taught me table manners, to say "please" and "thank you" and to always wear a seat belt, but I wish I had a little more guidance. I think they were so worried about screwing up as parents that they just decided to let me "live and learn" which is both good and bad. While I generally like who I am, I definitely fucked up royally along the way. But maybe even if they told me certain things, I wouldn't have listened anyway. I was a semi-rebellious teen after all. Hence the "fucking up royally" part.

Everybody's a work in progress. Even parents. Especially me. No big deal.
Add Comment
 
 
The other night my dad suggested I take dance lessons because "it's a great way to meet women." I told him I was more concerned with meeting a job than a woman right now. He said I was probably right. But let's get one thing straight, my dad is happily married and has never taken a dance lesson, so I don't know what the hell he thinks he's talking about. And isn't it usually couples that take dance lessons? Not creepy, unemployed single guys. And even if they did, could you imagine that being a way to get girls? "Hey, who's that lonely guy who comes in for dance lessons every week? My friend [insert name] would be perfect for him." Right. Thanks, dad!

Speaking of getting a job. Jesus Christ. Everybody wants previous experience, of which I don't really have. Yeah, I was on my college newspaper, but I interned at a PR firm because I thought - since journalism is dying - I'd have a better shot at some job security. But the PR firm sucked and I wouldn't even want to put it on my resume. "Chipotle is hiring," my mom said. Hey, maybe tomorrow I'll go fill out an application then take the corporate-required psychological exam and accidentally answer the same question differently, fail the exam and be told to reapply in 30 days when my application is out of the system. I'm not sure if Chipotle has such an exam, but Blockbuster sure did when I was 19.

I'm not "entitled" to anything, but holy fucking shit, somebody just give me a chance here. Pay me in pats on the back and kind words. Make me feel worth something. Because lately every time I see a puddle I say to myself, "That's probably deep enough to drown in." What makes things even worse is that I completely BLEW the biggest opportunity I had last month when a lady from Patch.com called me for an interview 30 minutes early and I was on the toilet. And it wasn't going so bad until 15 minutes in when my phone starting to die. Did you ever have to wipe your ass, run into the other room, grab your phone charger, bring it back into the bathroom and plug your phone in while answering the question, "Tell me about a time when you had trouble getting a story." Or maybe it was, "Tell me about your management style." F-word. Big, fucking f-word.

Special thanks to Joey Lewandowski.

Mundane observation of the day: Apples and cheese go together really well.
1 Comment
 
 
I went for a walk today because I hadn't been outside in days. Well, that's not entirely true because I did drive to my friend's house on Monday night, but I didn't spend any time outdoors. Anyway, I noticed three things that stuck out along my 1.2 mile walk.

The first was a sealed can of vanilla Coke resting on the curb. I was going to take it but I didn't think I needed "liquid candy" at that moment. Near the can was an empty 12-pack box that the Coke must've come from. Did kids just sit out on the curb all afternoon drinking Coke until they couldn't anymore? I hope so. I miss being a kid.

The second thing was a woman driving a minivan. She had attached reindeer antlers onto both front windows so it looked like her car had antlers. Part of me wants to give her credit for the Christmas spirit, but the other part of me wants to say that she should take them off of her car. Some high school kid will probably steal them anyway. Good for him (or her). Especially her. I hope she's hot. And 18 of course. Just kidding. I don't care how old she is.

The third thing was completely internal. I've been stressing out over not finding a job and have felt like a complete loser. But then I remembered something I think I must've heard a few weeks ago on one of those PBS infomercials featuring some motivational speaker. He said to not dwell on where you are right now, but where you want to be. Think about what you want and then think about what you'll feel like when you have it. Then take that feeling and use it. Let it excite, encourage and motivate you (well I don't remember really what he said to do, but that's what I got from it). It seems pretty simple but it worked.

That was my walk.

Then tonight I went to the local convenience store. There was some older man, with a great head of hair, smoking a very long cigarette - if they make 200s it had to've been one of those. He seemed like an alcoholic, but not necessarily drunk. He just had that worn look to him. Anyway, some lady got out of her car, which he was standing in front of, and he said to her in a super friendly tone, "Hey, I was noticing what a beautiful color that car is." "Oh, thanks," she said. "What do they call that?" "Red."  Then the lady walked away amused with herself. I was amused, too, because I laughed under my breath and turned around to give her a nod of approval. When I came back out of the store, the guy was getting into a car with another woman and I heard him say - either to himself or the girl, I'm not sure which - "If we were in Italy they'd call that a 'Princess.'" I'm not sure if he was still talking about the color of the car or he was just completely mental.

Whatever.
Add Comment